Tantruming toddlers and grumpy teenagers? We’ve heard (and seen) it all before. Here, we’ll be delving into a topic that many moms can relate to but don’t always talk about openly: The anger and intense outbursts often experienced by moms - Mom Rage. Whether you've experienced it yourself or observed it in others, understanding the root causes and learning how to manage Mom Rage is crucial for maintaining a healthy and harmonious family life.
What is Mom Rage? Where does it come from? And what can we do to better manage our emotions?
Mom Rage is a tricky little thing, you might have handled some of the biggest problems life can throw at you that morning - all with a monk like calm - but watching your first born chew with their mouth open, a stray toy, or a wet towel on the bed (again) can trigger a tidal wave of anger so disproportionate that it takes you - and everyone else - completely by surprise. And once it’s done, it’s often quickly replaced by feelings of guilt, sadness and regret.
Although not an official psychological term - the term Mom Rage encompasses some very real and very intense feelings that many moms and parents have felt in response to the challenges of raising children.
So where does it come from?
There are several factors that can contribute:
Loss of control. Everything is out of control when you have children. Your body, your hormones, your home, their nap times, their behaviour, the input of others - EVERYTHING. And worse than that, it’s probably the single biggest part of our lives that we want the most control over. We have to keep these tiny humans safe, warm, happy, fed, educated, well mannered, kind, active… The list is endless. And all while operating at a much reduced capacity ourselves, in a world that feels like it’s constantly conspiring to destroy all of our best laid plans!
The invisible load. Expanding on the above, as moms we have so much to process behind the scenes - from doctors appointments to Christmas shopping, dishwashers to in-laws, and it’s often not until we drop a plate or two that we realise just how many we were spinning. We’re overwhelmed, and although we can’t take that overwhelm away, we can find ways to manage the effect it has on us.
Sleep Deprivation. Many parents, especially those with infants or toddlers, suffer from sleep deprivation. Lack of sleep can impair judgement and increase irritability, making it easier to lose control. It also leads us to drink more caffeine and eat more trash, which ultimately only serves to exacerbate our frustrations and anxieties.
Unrealistic Expectations. Social media and societal pressures often present an unrealistic image of motherhood, causing moms to feel inadequate when they can't live up to these standards.
Good old hormones! Hormonal fluctuations during and after pregnancy can affect mood and emotional regulation.
What can we do about it?
Firstly, it’s important to try to recognize whether what you’re experiencing is typical Mom Rage, or if it’s part of a wider issue such as postpartum depression or anxiety. There’s no hard and fast guideline for this but my advice would be, if you feel the frequency or intensity increasing, or if it’s affecting your children, your relationships, or your quality of life, then seek advice from a doctor or therapist.
Mom Rage can sometimes be a signal that your own needs are not being met. (No s*#t! I hear you cry). But this won’t change unless you do something about it. Take it from me, you’ll never get everything done and then have time for that walk, you’ll never find a quiet day where you can enjoy shopping and cooking that nutritious meal, and you will NEVER make it to bed early, or anything else… unless you just do it.
Yes, something else will probably pay the price. And that’s ok!
Ask for help, don’t be afraid to say what you need, and make time for some much needed self care. I can’t promise you won't feel guilty, but you’ll feel much less defeated than you do after a rage fuelled outburst.
Whatever next steps you decide to take just know that you’re not alone, you are seen and you are understood - by hundreds more women than you realise.
Jody
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